The show goes on, all night.

No matter what happened in the past, you always have to look forward to the future. But what if I messed up my future in the past? What if my happy ending will never happen? I guess that's just it. Lifes full of what ifs and not enough let's do it. I just want to be happy and if I could keep all the same people in my life for the rest of my life, I'd be one happy camper. I don't know what I did to deserve the people I have but I thank god for them everyday, especially this one kid and a very special little girl 

for you only.

One of the greatest things about being in guard is that I tend to spin when I need to clear my head and this week just happens to be one rough week in my world. I am finally taking steps to start going to nursing school, I found a new addiction (glee), I can't escape my head for a second, and I'm starting to go down a road that I have been down so many times but hey lookie here I'm back again. Ahhhh! it's all starting to be too much. Well back to the whole guard thing, I have decided to start writing my audition peice for either UF or an independent guard. I might take a video just to show you so you know where my passion tends to go.

I found the perfect song and I have some wonderful ideas, I can't wait to put it all together and do it. I'm about to change subjects very hastly but I have to vent. I am sooo in love with this boy it's absolutly crazy.
I don't know what keeps me so hung on him but I love it and I honestly wouldn't change a thing about us. He is my bestfriend and so much more. I just ... I'm sprung hard and no matter how many times I hurt myself in the process I want him back so bad and I know it won't happen but I'm not just going to go down with out a fight. Give up? That's a good idea but I want to make sure I'm not giving up on the kid I'm suppost to be with.

Blahhh. Enough please with this love non sense. I am so excited to show you my routine. I think it's my best one yet, I put so much heart and feeling into it. I hope you can tell and I really hope you like it. When I do put it up you'll deffinatly have to comment on it.  I'm kind of excited to start going back to school and starting my future. Already having to pay some bills and being completely broke is a feeling I didn't like. So I am going to make so sure that I don't have to worry week to week about living a good life. I am going to be a nurse and I am going to be amazing at my job. I am so pumped.

Life has so many up and downs and all around but I am so ready with everything that is about to be thrown my direction. Bring it on cause I'm not letting anything or anyone bring me down. :p leggggo!
<3 tuhkneeuh!

i miss you.

Sitting in the woods, lisening to the wind rustle around with the leaves. I can't help but think about everything so far in this new year. It makes me think how lucky I am. I have amazing friends, loving parents, and plenty of secrets to hide. I think it's time to come clean on a few things, maybe I'll feel like the world has been lifted a bit.

-I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be my best friend and when he talks about getting with other girls I can still feel my blood boiling.
-I am so spoiled and I take my parents for granted so much that I feel like a ingrate.
-I spend to much time with my friends and not enough with my family.
-I haven't found a school to go to because I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
-The only thing that's holding me back from being a nurse is, I don't want to be as cold hearted as some of the people I work with.
-I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't lose weight and I can't change anything about myself.
-I miss lucie so much everyday, but I know she is so much better off where she is.

I'm a mess. I just wish everything was as simple as it was in like third grade where the only thing I had to worry about was a skinned knee on the play ground or cooties. Being ingulfed in nature just makes me think about how perfect and simple everything could be if I just learned to trust God in his plan. But, I have so many trust issues because the one person who promised never to hurt me did. I don't blame him, I miss him. I miss everything and I miss high school. I never thought I would say it but, I miss my senior year. It was honestly the best year of my life. I'm so ready to grow up and I am ready to be a "adult".

I just want things to get better and just a little bit easier. I hate being alone , in my struggles. I wish things were as easy as third grade again. Here is too hoping I was excited for the new year that's going to be the same as every heartbreaking, soul crushing year. :/

Dear God, Please help me with this non sense. Amen.

a different game now.

It amazes me how fast things change. Everything is completely different from a year ago, heck even a month ago. Surprisingly the only thing that has stayed the same is the thing I thought I would have lost a looong time ago, you. You are always there when I need someone to talk to or when I wanna get out or anything. Yeah, we have up and downs but who doesn't? I know everything is hard for you right now but you have to understand that I'm here for you and so is everyone else who refuses to give up on you.

It's going to be weird. Going from seeing you so much to barely seeing you at all. It's like going to Hersey, Pennsylvania and only getting one small chocolate kiss. Well, I guess it's not like I'll stop thinking of you because not a second go by's that I don't think about you. It just blows my mind, how much I care about you and would do anything to see you happy and yet your just my best friend. We had our run and all but honestly I can't lose you. I refuse to let it happen. Mainly because I can't force myself to say goodbye. Maybe there is a reson we still hold on, Maybe there is a reason we go through what we do. Maybe.

I honestly miss what we had a year ago. I miss being happy because of you. I miss you being my support. I miss my goober. Yeah, we do have great times and yeah, we are still close but I wish things would have ended differently. You were right. We've been through so much and lawd we do have so much more to go through. I know this because I don't plan on leaving your side especially now. I promised I would always be there for you and I hate breaking promises I made. So let's do this, me and you. I won't let you down.

Every thing is going to be different and okay, just give it time. "Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." -Song of Solomon 8:7 Were rooting for you every step of the way. Us, your real friends. You've got a lot on your plate kid but you can get through it. I know you can. Your my BD, you can handle anything. I believe in you. (: I always have and I always will. Iloveyou and you know it.
<3 tuhkneeuh!

shaving.

As gross as it sounds, I shaved today for the first time in a couple of months. A few layers of nair and a actual shaver later, and my legs are silky smooth. You may be wondering why I am telling you this. Because when I walked out of the bathroom, I felt clean and I felt like a new person. An I relized that I missed the feeling of being clean in the eyes of the Lord. I know I'm human and were going to make mistakes, but when we repent everything is okay again. I miss the relationship I had with the Lord and I am glad I chose to go back.

Growing up in the same school for ten or so years, learning about God all day, chapel on Wednesdays and bible study in my free time is who I used to be. Then I moved and completely pushed aside everything that I was tought and grew up on. I can't tell you how much I regret putting God on the back burners of my life. Only praying in times of distress and all othere times have a fxck it attitude. I fell off the wagon and God got my attention and got me back on it in a HUGE way.

It only takes one life changing event to open your eyes. I know I've messed up, I admit it but now I am back on the right path where I belong. I used to make smart comments about a friend of mine who in a way was just like me. She fell off the wagon and it took one major slap in the face for her to relize things and now I understand where she was. If it wasn't for her and this amazing couple I had the pleasure of meeting, I don't think I would have made the choice to go back to Christ. An I thank her so much for showing me the happiness that I have been craving.

I'm ready for anything. With the Lord on my side and my amazing friends there for me too, anything and everything is obtainable. I've been blind and Lord knows I'm excited to be home. (:
"Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." -2 Corinthians 7:1

<3 tuhkneeuh!

tulips and kangaroo's.

Gosh, it's already the 24th day into the new year and already so much has happened. I can't believe everything that has transpired. I tried to do that 30 day thing but I changed my mind, it was weird to have to sit down and blog about some random thing. It's crazy how I've grown up in 24 days, and how much I'm going to grow in this new year with all my new choices and new lifestyle changes. It's all just mind blowing.

Sometimes I wish I knew God's plan for me. Some of the obsitcles he throws in my way really get to me, but I know that he has a reason to do it all. But, I mean come on a sneak peak wouldn't be so bad so I knew what to prepare for. I have all the faith in the world that whatever he put in front of me is there for a purpose but some times I wonder if i'm strong enough to handle everything. I am only human, even though some times I forget that and try to be super human.

I really don't like the end of January because it's my grandma's birthday and it just goes to show me how much I miss her and how I never spent the most time with her that I could. You never know what you got until it's gone, right? I think about her a lot and I know that in heaven she is happier and all that but dang, her family down here misses her so much. What I would give to see her again and hug her one more time.

Everything moves so fast sometimes and I just don't understand it some times. It's all heart breaking. I just wish sometimes I can sit back, slow time down, and just enjoy things. The good times seem to fly by when as the harder times seem to stick around for a while. I guess everything is a balancing act that I am honestly no good at. Some times I wonder why certain things happen, then I have to go back and think ' It's part of the plan.'

I guess in times of distress instead of cussing and doing something stupid and regretful, I should pick up my bible, stop and smell the tulips, and trust that everything happens for a reason. I know that I have the best pilot in control of my life and I should just let him control everything while I enjoy my first class seat with peanuts and a soda. "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalms 62;8.


<3 tuhkneeuh!

growing up

When were little we always wonder what its like to grow up, but now I'm starting to wonder what in the world was I looking forward to. Growing up is so much work.

Picking something to study in school is so hard. You have to do one thing for the rest of your life, make sure you pick the correct thing. All I ever here is adults complaining about how much they hate their jobs and I always swore not to be one of those people, but how do you find something that makes you happy and makes good money?

Keeping your religion is also a lot of work too. I've lost so much, and im finally starting to find it all again. It takes one life changing event to open your eyes to the world and the life that you've left behind. I've relized that I lost my religion. I mean I know He is always there and He knows what's up but I feel like I've disappointed the crap out of Him. I'm so glad that I've decied to turn everything back over to Him and let Him fix everything that I have messed up. Now that I have turned everything back over to Him, I am so excited to see where He leads my life to.

Lastly the one thing I must blog about is my friends. They are the greatest group of people in the world. They are there through the hardest of times and the greatest of times. I don't know how exactly to relate to you guys how amazing these people are. Just know you will read about them a lot and I don't know what I would do without them.

I said it before and I'll probably say it a lot, it takes one life changing event to open your eyes. I found my one thing and it's opened my eyes to the life I want to live. This doesn't mean that I'm going to be this huge stick in the mud, it means I'm going to aware of my choices and pray in times of distress. I am going to change things that I don't like and make my life one I'm proud of.
"Anything is possible through the Strength of God." Philippians 4:13
So, here is to my new beginning. With my amazing friends, awesome family, and God. It's going to be a good new year.
<3 tuhkneeuh!